Hey Tyler! I just wanted to stop by and check in to see how your blog was doing after you helped give me some good feedback for one of my blogs. I just wanted to say that I really like the simplicity of your blog and the setup that you have, and your writings are really well thought out! Keep it up!
Hi, Tyler! I just took a look at your Storybook and it looks awesome! I loved the images you included, they really contribute to the overall tone of your project. I am really interested in seeing how you use the additional length in there stories to create your own twist. I think it could be so cool to even try telling one of these stories through the perspective of another character (like Sandy or Paige). Are Phil and Paige going to have a family? It could also be cool to see Phil learn these valuable lessons, then pass them on to his kids. What was the thought behind giving Phil just a mom and not a father? Will this also be a play on the story of Bambi? And if not, that could be cool to add some similarities! Maybe have Phil become the leader of his own herd!! This is a great idea for a Storybook, and I look forward to getting to read your stories!
Hello Tyler! I just finish reading the introduction to your storybook and I am looking forward to reading more from your storybook. I find it interesting that you are going to use Phil, the deer to tell story of the Buddhist! The story will teach me and tell me more about Buddhism and I believe that it would be so fascinating. I also find it cute that you name one of the deer Paige because your wife shares the same name. Since this a story about the life of Phil, I am wondering if there will be something that affects his relationship with his wife? Will they have children together? Will he be running away from hunter? I hope to learn some valuable lessons through your story as well. Overall, I really like the images you place in your website because they help enhance my imagination even more! Good job on the introduction and I'll be looking forward to reading this story!
Hey Tyler! After reading the introduction to your storybook I am very interested to see what the final product looks like at the end of the semester. Normally when I write stories I usually steal names from a popular show that I once obsessed over so I wonder where the name Phil came from. Phil seems like such a typical name but at the end of this semester it will hold new weight for me because of the stories I read about him in. You chose a fairly good design for your webpage but the only thing I would suggest is making the bar at the top of the screen slightly smaller. On my screen it takes up about 2 inches, and space is very valuable to webpages! The content kind of seemed a little squeezed vertically meaning that the user who comes to your site will see less of your page. But besides that it was good and I really liked the pictures you chose.
Hi Tyler! I read your introduction in the Phil the Deer. I liked how picked the names for the characters in your story. It will definitely be interesting to read about the Buddha stories that you mentioned. I have also loved using animals to represent known people in the stories as well. I will most likely be back in a few weeks to come back and check up on your storybook! I do not know too much about Buddha or Buddhism so it would be great to be able to learn more about both of them while enjoying a good read. I chose to do the portfolio so this was actually the first storybook that I have seen and it was neat being able to see your website layout and the images that you used. I wish you the best of luck on the storybook and the rest of the semester!
Tyler, I really like that you are using the stories that we’ve read to learn and engage in the Buddhist culture! I definitely chuckled when you said that you chose the names Phil, Sandy and Paige just because that’s what you decided to write about, even though your inspiration for Paige is really from your wife! I don’t know much about the Buddhist culture, so I’m looking forward to visiting back to your storybook to enjoy Phil’s adventures and see where you take his story! My “feedback” for you would be to try to deeply indulge in the color and elaborate ornateness that is Buddhist culture through Phil’s eyes! You could do this with paying attention to detail in your imagery sensory writing techniques in addition to adding more color or spark to your site. That’s just a suggestion though! I look forward to reading your first story!
Hi Tyler, I was scrolling through the list of project storybooks/portfolios to possibly give feedback on, and I immediately stopped at yours because of the name of your storybook haha...definitely an eye catcher, I like it! Great start on your introduction. This is definitely a unique idea for a storybook, which I most appreciate. I think it's awesome that you are using the deer as an example of how a Buddhist lives his life. I had never thought of nor heard this comparison before, but now that I see it, it totally makes sense. Also, the explanation for choosing the name Phil is perfect...no explanation really needed haha. i know pretty much nothing about Buddhism, besides what I've seen in movies/TV, so I can't wait to see how you are able to emphasize on the Buddhists' way of life. I greatly enjoy the design for your webpage, and I can't wait to see how yo uexpand on it!
Tyler, I like that you will be writing this about a deer and his life as it ages. I really enjoyed reading the Jataka tales when I was researching topics, so I am excited to read your storybook. Your introduction is strong and good at explaining what to expect. What do you think the introduction would look like if you left out the information about how you chose the names? I believe the impact will be the same. Perhaps your author’s note for each story could discuss why the names were chosen as they were. I found a couple grammatical errors in the first paragraph. One is “based off the fact” which can either be changed to “based on the fact” or “based off of the fact.” At the end of the same sentence, “deer” has an "s" at the end of it. Also, I think it is great that you stressed the importance of Phil’s feelings and emotions that will come to light in the story. What if the final sentence in the third paragraph was something along the lines of “Remember, Phil, is a deer with feelings and emotions that will come to life throughout the story.”? That is just a thought. I look forward to reading Phil’s life journey.
I really enjoy the theme to your storybook. Turning the characters into aging deer is a very interesting take on the original. The design to your storybook is excellent as well. I love the pictures of the deer. I liked how your intro described them character and what you wanted to do with them. However it felt more like reading notes than an introduction to a storybook. Instead of telling us what you are going to be writing about, you should write a short story about the deer. That would help us understand more about your characters. The extra details can really help pull in the reader's attention and make them want to read more. However I love the name Phil for the deer. It is very funny and adds a bit of humor to your intro. I enjoyed reading the intro that you put together and I look forward to reading the rest of your stories.
Hi, Tyler! I am completely in love with the direction you’re going with your storybook! I’m so interested in Phil, and everyone he comes across. I especially love the fact that the other characters are named after other animated animal characters. (I’ve always loved Thumper.) Anyway, I thought your first story was fairly strong and very interesting, but your introduction was a little lacking. What if you made your introduction in the perspective of Phil or a third party person who knew Phil for his entire life? The latter may be a better idea. That way, you could have that third party say something along the lines of him being “The Cunning Deer, The Banyan Deer, and The Deer Who Would Not Learn.” You could still summarize and introduce your story without having an author’s note type of introduction. ANDD your story dynamic would be benefit so much because your writing style (from what I read in Chapter One) is super humorous and great that you should transfer that easily enough to your introduction!
Hi, I'm from the Myth and Folklore class, and I have to say your premise is so cute! I love the idea of following this deer around as he gets into all sorts of adventures. Phil is a great name. One thing I noticed though is that there are a few grammatical mistakes concerning commas and capitalization and the plural of deer (which is just deer!). Other than that though, I thought you did a really good job! I wish your first story had included some of the Jatakas you mentioned in your introduction, but I understand some setup is necessary. Maybe you could have your intro be the setup for Phil's life, and then the author's note could have the information that was in your intro? Just a thought! The structure right now is fine too. Anyway great start! I can't wait to hear more about Phil! Also, love the pun in the intro about our deer Phil, ha!
Hey Tyler! Your introduction was great, I really enjoyed reading it. I love the idea of using the story of Buddha and retelling it through the eyes of this deer named Phil. I wanted to do a story surrounding the story of Buddha but I could not find a way to incorporate it. I like the incorporation of the deer family. Some more description and narrative to bring the supporting characters alive would be great. Even some chapters based on the various family members might be a good idea. “Thumper and I love to play pranks on master Bill, we will ding dong ditch him, or makes tons of noise outside his house in the middle of the night. Its pretty awesome to us, but we always get in trouble with our parents later.” I really enjoyed this part, I would love to see more incorporation of different animals. This story will be great!
At first glance, I really had no idea where Phil the Deer fit into the Indian Epics world, but after reading your introduction I was able to see where you are going and the process you are thinking of. There are a few grammatically errors in the introduction. At one point it says “had some kids he well, he had to be the big adult”. It is obvious what you meant to say, but changing the he to as will clear up the sentence. What if you tried adding more paragraphs to your introduction? This would allow more space between ideas and it would be easier for the reader to digest the story. Also adding some more pictures would be a good idea. Your author notes are very helpful. Your storybook has a lot of potential! The Disney theme is great and you can go a lot of different directions with it!
Hi Tyler, Wow, I really like the layout of your website! It definitely is something different than what I have seen so far. I read "Introduction Part One" and really enjoyed the story you have laid out. I was, however, looking for an Author's Note at the end of the story and I didn't seem to find one. I was able to come across the link that led me to the tale, but I wish I knew what you did differently and the back story for this tale. I am unfamiliar with this tale! I came across a sentence that read "Phil would always initiated" but of course, not a big deal! Sometimes, we don't pay close attention to proofreading! This Storybook project is coming along really well for you, and I am so glad I came across it! I hope to check back in and see your progress again in the coming weeks.
I really like your concept for your second story! In part two you provide a lot of new characters, so if you are going in the direction that ever chapter will be a new character with their relationship to Phil being the connection, then you have a lot of people to base these chapters off of! The way you write the story from Phil’s point of view truly shows that he is a kid. He is a little bit sassy which makes the story fun to read! There are some grammar mistakes within this story. There are also some misspellings. In particular, when Phil is talking about Thumper being his best friend you say “I have kinda forgotten is real name”. It is obvious that you meant his, but watch out for mistakes like that in the future! Change “to young” to “too young”. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Hi, Tyler! I love the development that you’ve made since I’ve last commented on this wall! Parts one and two of your introduction were great, and I like the fact that you used two different perspectives in each (Thumper and Phil) to talk about your plan for the storybook. I’m loving the voice/writing style you’re using as well! It’s so whimsical and casual, and it makes the characters very likable. Your first story based on Jataka,“The Deer Who Would Not Learn,” was a well-written and developed. I liked how you changed the ending to where Phil would simply learn a lesson rather than die. I always find that type of ending more satisfying! The only suggestion I would tell you is to maybe proofread your stories before uploading. There were some small grammatical errors or punctuation misplacements that need to be fixed, but otherwise good job on your storybook! I like where it’s going, and I can’t wait to read more!
Let me just start off by saying that I really love your home page. It made me smile to scroll down and just see rows and rows of Phil. I won’t focus much on grammar in this comment, but I do want to let you know that in the fourth to last sentence “This might just be the best story that you ever do here.” the last word should actually be ‘hear’. You might just want to go through and double check grammar throughout. It never hurts to have a second person look your piece over. Moving on now to more useful commentary. I was a little surprised that this story was written in third person since the introduction was written in first and made it seem like the whole storybook would be written from Thumper’s perspective. I really love the way the characters are written, though. They really do seem like carefree, foolish children. I also like the translation of the source material into the story you came up with. Great job!
Hi, Tyler! I'm from the Mythology and Folklore and I chose your story to read this week because I thought the name was so fun and the homepage was so cool with the deer. I love that the characters have human names and do human things like ding dong ditching and playing pranks! It was a little confusing when Phil was described as "what a man", since he's a deer, so it might be helpful to clarify the difference between human and animal at some points. There was also one line at the end of the first introduction that I think you meant to type "hear" instead of "here". I also really liked your formatting with two introductions from the different perspectives of Thumper and Phil because it provided such unique angles. Again, really great job and good luck with the rest of your semester! I look forward to reading more of your story!
Hi Tyler! I read chapter one of your storybook this week and I really enjoyed reading it. I love animals so reading about them is always interesting. I love that the main character's friend is named Thumper. I like the Disney reference. That brings back a lot of nostalgia and helps me connect to your characters a bit more. The picture at the end of the story was great too although I would have liked to see a few more. I was confused by the end of the story though. I liked that it turned out well for them but if the deer's leg got caught in a trap like that it would be broken and he would have been barely able to walk. Also I know they are imaginary characters but how did another deer help him escape a man-made trap? Overall I enjoyed reading your story this week. Keep up the good work!
I wasn’t initially expecting “The Deer Named Phil” to start out from the perspective of a rabbit named Thumper, but I have to say, I really love that framing device. You did a great job of painting a portrait of Phil that feels more genuine from Thumper’s point of view than it would’ve just with Phil talking about himself, and it also created some nice tension/drama (the question of what happened to Phil, if Thumper is telling the story in Phil’s words because that’s what he would’ve wanted). I’m also a fan of the way you’ve used Phil’s lesson at the end of Chapter One to lead into Chapter Two, so the stories feel linked and natural despite being somewhat episodic in nature.
In terms of constructive criticism, my only tip is that commas should actually be slipped in before the end-quote quotation marks that don’t end with other punctuation. So instead of “Okay” Phil said, it would be “Okay,” Phil said. And the periods at the end of dialogue sentences should go inside the quotation marks, too, because the English language is apparently a fan of simplicity even in formatting.
This was lots of fun, and I enjoyed reading about Phil's adventures. Nice job!
Okay, I love how your story starts off from the point of view of Thumper. I cant believe he is calling Phil his best friend, what does Bambi think of this?? I really like the dual perspective in your introduction! I think it was a great way to introduce us to Thumper's personality and Phil's personality. I really enjoyed that you ended your first chapter with a lesson. I think this is something that you should bring into your next chapter as well! I feel like the Indian Epics are full of lessons, so bringing that into your story would be a nice addition! Overall, I think you did great adding dialogue into your stories and you really developed the characters! I cant wait to come back and see the news ways Phil and Thumper get into trouble.
Hi Tyler! This was my second time coming to your storybook and I think that you are definitely taking the story in the right direction. I first read it when you only had the introduction but now chapter 1 and 2 add a lot of content that make the story great. As I mentioned in my previous comment, stories about animals are always so fun to read and I prefer writing about animals over humans anyways. I love the use of Bambi for one of your images, it brings back a visual from most of our childhoods I assume. You do a great job of helping create imagery throughout your writing and I think that is extremely important. The one suggestion that I would make is just double check the grammar before you post. There were a few missing commas throughout. Anyways, great story and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of it!
Tyler, I have not had the opportunity of reading your story book project yet this semester so I was excited to read something new. Your story idea is so creative and something that I really liked. When you first read the title of your project you think that it is going to be told from the point of view of the deer named Phil. But being shocked when the narrator is Thumper the rabbit is something that I think everyone who has read your story has liked. The element of surprise and shock is something so cool when it is done right in a story and I think you did a great job of shocking us from the start. That is really how you keep readers interested and I can tell you that I was super interested throughout your story. I also have written about animals so I love reading different peoples animal stories and I like to see where they take their animal stories. Bringing the animals to life is something that is so interesting and so innovative.
Hi Tyler, I am returning to your storybook after about a month and it looks like you really have made some wonderful changes! I read the introduction to remind myself your inspiration for the stories you have created, and then proceeded to read chapter one. Chapter one was a great story with a clear plot line, plenty of details, and a take away message. I really liked the author's note at the end that goes on to explain in full detail the goal you were trying to achieve with the story, and you definitely achieved it. I think this a great story to tell a child in order to express the take away message portrayed in the original story. The only thing that I might add is the picture at the end being left justified at the end of the story. Is there maybe a way to center it? I think it just seemed a little off to me. Other than that, you have done such a great job and I am glad to have had the opportunity to revisit your storybook. Good luck with the rest of the semester!
Hey Tyler! I really enjoyed your third addition to your story. I think it is really creative to have all of your characters be animals with different qualities. The imagination and creativity used in the dialogue and description really helped paint a picture for the setting of the story and how each character behaved. One thing I noticed was your opening lines was somewhat redundant, "After the Hunter had left the woods, years had past and all animals felt safe again. There were no more hunters in the woods" Not really a need for the second part since you mention it in the first sentence. Your dialogue between each character is really good! This always helps to give a better insight on how the character behaves. One suggestion would be to create spacing when the dialogue switches to a new character. This helps it flow and makes it easier for the reader.
Hi Tyler! I really liked the third story in your series. I was a tiny bit lost, just because I had not read your previous stories. However, you made it easy to catch on and I feel like I got a full understanding of the story. I love that you added a picture of Bambii, I love him and thumper. :) One of my favorite movies as a child. There were a few grammatical/spelling errors that I noticed. Also, I would have liked to see a little different format to your writing, broken up a little more dynamically. Just to make it a tiny bit more clear. But that's just a personal preference, your format was just fine! Other than those minor details, your story was great and I really enjoyed reading it. Great job on your storybook Tyler!
Hi Tyler! I really enjoyed your newest addition to the storybook. The imagination and creativity you put into the characters and dialogue was very evident. The descriptive details of each character and how they behave really helped pull the reader into the story. This also helped connect some of the characters to the reader for a much deeper read. For example, sections like this, "Finding Phil he said that he would teach him the ways of the deer in safety and leadership. Phil, being older and wiser than he was when Jeff tried to teach him anything, thoughtfully listened to his uncle. Jeff said, “Phil, you have shown great leadership but there is much still to learn. Being a leader is about sacrifice, I know you know this Phil, you showed that well. But it is also about sacrificing your comfort of safety to let people know that there is still danger in this world." Really show how the character, Jeff, behaves. Overall I thought your final story turned out great, good job!
Tyler, your storybook is laid out so well. I loved the images you used and the overall theme you set up for your readers. The style you wrote your intro in was different and exciting to read! I was surprised that your intro continued after Thumper said, “Let me take you back to when Phil and I were kids…” I think that would be a good ending for your intro and the story after could stand as its own story with maybe a little more length added to it?
Who is the narrator throughout the chapters? I thought it was going to all be through Phil’s eyes? How cute the animals could communicate through owls like phones! It sucks that Phil had to learn the hard way, but I’m glad in the end it was a trap because that made him take it all more serious.
The more I read about Phil’s uncle Jeff the more I wondered where his father was? Overall, though, your stories were enjoyable to read! Good job!
Hey Tyler! I just wanted to stop by and check in to see how your blog was doing after you helped give me some good feedback for one of my blogs. I just wanted to say that I really like the simplicity of your blog and the setup that you have, and your writings are really well thought out! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi, Tyler! I just took a look at your Storybook and it looks awesome! I loved the images you included, they really contribute to the overall tone of your project. I am really interested in seeing how you use the additional length in there stories to create your own twist. I think it could be so cool to even try telling one of these stories through the perspective of another character (like Sandy or Paige). Are Phil and Paige going to have a family? It could also be cool to see Phil learn these valuable lessons, then pass them on to his kids. What was the thought behind giving Phil just a mom and not a father? Will this also be a play on the story of Bambi? And if not, that could be cool to add some similarities! Maybe have Phil become the leader of his own herd!! This is a great idea for a Storybook, and I look forward to getting to read your stories!
ReplyDeleteHello Tyler! I just finish reading the introduction to your storybook and I am looking forward to reading more from your storybook. I find it interesting that you are going to use Phil, the deer to tell story of the Buddhist! The story will teach me and tell me more about Buddhism and I believe that it would be so fascinating. I also find it cute that you name one of the deer Paige because your wife shares the same name. Since this a story about the life of Phil, I am wondering if there will be something that affects his relationship with his wife? Will they have children together? Will he be running away from hunter? I hope to learn some valuable lessons through your story as well. Overall, I really like the images you place in your website because they help enhance my imagination even more! Good job on the introduction and I'll be looking forward to reading this story!
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler! After reading the introduction to your storybook I am very interested to see what the final product looks like at the end of the semester. Normally when I write stories I usually steal names from a popular show that I once obsessed over so I wonder where the name Phil came from. Phil seems like such a typical name but at the end of this semester it will hold new weight for me because of the stories I read about him in.
ReplyDeleteYou chose a fairly good design for your webpage but the only thing I would suggest is making the bar at the top of the screen slightly smaller. On my screen it takes up about 2 inches, and space is very valuable to webpages! The content kind of seemed a little squeezed vertically meaning that the user who comes to your site will see less of your page. But besides that it was good and I really liked the pictures you chose.
Hi Tyler! I read your introduction in the Phil the Deer. I liked how picked the names for the characters in your story. It will definitely be interesting to read about the Buddha stories that you mentioned. I have also loved using animals to represent known people in the stories as well. I will most likely be back in a few weeks to come back and check up on your storybook!
ReplyDeleteI do not know too much about Buddha or Buddhism so it would be great to be able to learn more about both of them while enjoying a good read. I chose to do the portfolio so this was actually the first storybook that I have seen and it was neat being able to see your website layout and the images that you used. I wish you the best of luck on the storybook and the rest of the semester!
Tyler, I really like that you are using the stories that we’ve read to learn and engage in the Buddhist culture! I definitely chuckled when you said that you chose the names Phil, Sandy and Paige just because that’s what you decided to write about, even though your inspiration for Paige is really from your wife! I don’t know much about the Buddhist culture, so I’m looking forward to visiting back to your storybook to enjoy Phil’s adventures and see where you take his story! My “feedback” for you would be to try to deeply indulge in the color and elaborate ornateness that is Buddhist culture through Phil’s eyes! You could do this with paying attention to detail in your imagery sensory writing techniques in addition to adding more color or spark to your site. That’s just a suggestion though! I look forward to reading your first story!
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler, I was scrolling through the list of project storybooks/portfolios to possibly give feedback on, and I immediately stopped at yours because of the name of your storybook haha...definitely an eye catcher, I like it! Great start on your introduction. This is definitely a unique idea for a storybook, which I most appreciate. I think it's awesome that you are using the deer as an example of how a Buddhist lives his life. I had never thought of nor heard this comparison before, but now that I see it, it totally makes sense. Also, the explanation for choosing the name Phil is perfect...no explanation really needed haha. i know pretty much nothing about Buddhism, besides what I've seen in movies/TV, so I can't wait to see how you are able to emphasize on the Buddhists' way of life. I greatly enjoy the design for your webpage, and I can't wait to see how yo uexpand on it!
ReplyDeleteTyler,
ReplyDeleteI like that you will be writing this about a deer and his life as it ages. I really enjoyed reading the Jataka tales when I was researching topics, so I am excited to read your storybook. Your introduction is strong and good at explaining what to expect. What do you think the introduction would look like if you left out the information about how you chose the names? I believe the impact will be the same. Perhaps your author’s note for each story could discuss why the names were chosen as they were. I found a couple grammatical errors in the first paragraph. One is “based off the fact” which can either be changed to “based on the fact” or “based off of the fact.” At the end of the same sentence, “deer” has an "s" at the end of it. Also, I think it is great that you stressed the importance of Phil’s feelings and emotions that will come to light in the story. What if the final sentence in the third paragraph was something along the lines of “Remember, Phil, is a deer with feelings and emotions that will come to life throughout the story.”? That is just a thought. I look forward to reading Phil’s life journey.
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ReplyDeleteI really enjoy the theme to your storybook. Turning the characters into aging deer is a very interesting take on the original. The design to your storybook is excellent as well. I love the pictures of the deer. I liked how your intro described them character and what you wanted to do with them. However it felt more like reading notes than an introduction to a storybook. Instead of telling us what you are going to be writing about, you should write a short story about the deer. That would help us understand more about your characters. The extra details can really help pull in the reader's attention and make them want to read more. However I love the name Phil for the deer. It is very funny and adds a bit of humor to your intro. I enjoyed reading the intro that you put together and I look forward to reading the rest of your stories.
ReplyDeleteHi, Tyler! I am completely in love with the direction you’re going with your storybook! I’m so interested in Phil, and everyone he comes across. I especially love the fact that the other characters are named after other animated animal characters. (I’ve always loved Thumper.) Anyway, I thought your first story was fairly strong and very interesting, but your introduction was a little lacking. What if you made your introduction in the perspective of Phil or a third party person who knew Phil for his entire life? The latter may be a better idea. That way, you could have that third party say something along the lines of him being “The Cunning Deer, The Banyan Deer, and The Deer Who Would Not Learn.” You could still summarize and introduce your story without having an author’s note type of introduction. ANDD your story dynamic would be benefit so much because your writing style (from what I read in Chapter One) is super humorous and great that you should transfer that easily enough to your introduction!
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm from the Myth and Folklore class, and I have to say your premise is so cute! I love the idea of following this deer around as he gets into all sorts of adventures. Phil is a great name. One thing I noticed though is that there are a few grammatical mistakes concerning commas and capitalization and the plural of deer (which is just deer!). Other than that though, I thought you did a really good job! I wish your first story had included some of the Jatakas you mentioned in your introduction, but I understand some setup is necessary. Maybe you could have your intro be the setup for Phil's life, and then the author's note could have the information that was in your intro? Just a thought! The structure right now is fine too. Anyway great start! I can't wait to hear more about Phil! Also, love the pun in the intro about our deer Phil, ha!
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler! Your introduction was great, I really enjoyed reading it. I love the idea of using the story of Buddha and retelling it through the eyes of this deer named Phil. I wanted to do a story surrounding the story of Buddha but I could not find a way to incorporate it. I like the incorporation of the deer family. Some more description and narrative to bring the supporting characters alive would be great. Even some chapters based on the various family members might be a good idea. “Thumper and I love to play pranks on master Bill, we will ding dong ditch him, or makes tons of noise outside his house in the middle of the night. Its pretty awesome to us, but we always get in trouble with our parents later.” I really enjoyed this part, I would love to see more incorporation of different animals. This story will be great!
ReplyDeleteAt first glance, I really had no idea where Phil the Deer fit into the Indian Epics world, but after reading your introduction I was able to see where you are going and the process you are thinking of. There are a few grammatically errors in the introduction. At one point it says “had some kids he well, he had to be the big adult”. It is obvious what you meant to say, but changing the he to as will clear up the sentence. What if you tried adding more paragraphs to your introduction? This would allow more space between ideas and it would be easier for the reader to digest the story. Also adding some more pictures would be a good idea. Your author notes are very helpful. Your storybook has a lot of potential! The Disney theme is great and you can go a lot of different directions with it!
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler,
ReplyDeleteWow, I really like the layout of your website! It definitely is something different than what I have seen so far. I read "Introduction Part One" and really enjoyed the story you have laid out. I was, however, looking for an Author's Note at the end of the story and I didn't seem to find one. I was able to come across the link that led me to the tale, but I wish I knew what you did differently and the back story for this tale. I am unfamiliar with this tale! I came across a sentence that read "Phil would always initiated" but of course, not a big deal! Sometimes, we don't pay close attention to proofreading! This Storybook project is coming along really well for you, and I am so glad I came across it! I hope to check back in and see your progress again in the coming weeks.
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ReplyDeleteI really like your concept for your second story! In part two you provide a lot of new characters, so if you are going in the direction that ever chapter will be a new character with their relationship to Phil being the connection, then you have a lot of people to base these chapters off of! The way you write the story from Phil’s point of view truly shows that he is a kid. He is a little bit sassy which makes the story fun to read! There are some grammar mistakes within this story. There are also some misspellings. In particular, when Phil is talking about Thumper being his best friend you say “I have kinda forgotten is real name”. It is obvious that you meant his, but watch out for mistakes like that in the future! Change “to young” to “too young”. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteHi, Tyler! I love the development that you’ve made since I’ve last commented on this wall! Parts one and two of your introduction were great, and I like the fact that you used two different perspectives in each (Thumper and Phil) to talk about your plan for the storybook. I’m loving the voice/writing style you’re using as well! It’s so whimsical and casual, and it makes the characters very likable. Your first story based on Jataka,“The Deer Who Would Not Learn,” was a well-written and developed. I liked how you changed the ending to where Phil would simply learn a lesson rather than die. I always find that type of ending more satisfying! The only suggestion I would tell you is to maybe proofread your stories before uploading. There were some small grammatical errors or punctuation misplacements that need to be fixed, but otherwise good job on your storybook! I like where it’s going, and I can’t wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteLet me just start off by saying that I really love your home page. It made me smile to scroll down and just see rows and rows of Phil. I won’t focus much on grammar in this comment, but I do want to let you know that in the fourth to last sentence “This might just be the best story that you ever do here.” the last word should actually be ‘hear’. You might just want to go through and double check grammar throughout. It never hurts to have a second person look your piece over. Moving on now to more useful commentary. I was a little surprised that this story was written in third person since the introduction was written in first and made it seem like the whole storybook would be written from Thumper’s perspective. I really love the way the characters are written, though. They really do seem like carefree, foolish children. I also like the translation of the source material into the story you came up with. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi, Tyler! I'm from the Mythology and Folklore and I chose your story to read this week because I thought the name was so fun and the homepage was so cool with the deer. I love that the characters have human names and do human things like ding dong ditching and playing pranks! It was a little confusing when Phil was described as "what a man", since he's a deer, so it might be helpful to clarify the difference between human and animal at some points. There was also one line at the end of the first introduction that I think you meant to type "hear" instead of "here". I also really liked your formatting with two introductions from the different perspectives of Thumper and Phil because it provided such unique angles. Again, really great job and good luck with the rest of your semester! I look forward to reading more of your story!
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler! I read chapter one of your storybook this week and I really enjoyed reading it. I love animals so reading about them is always interesting. I love that the main character's friend is named Thumper. I like the Disney reference. That brings back a lot of nostalgia and helps me connect to your characters a bit more. The picture at the end of the story was great too although I would have liked to see a few more. I was confused by the end of the story though. I liked that it turned out well for them but if the deer's leg got caught in a trap like that it would be broken and he would have been barely able to walk. Also I know they are imaginary characters but how did another deer help him escape a man-made trap? Overall I enjoyed reading your story this week. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI wasn’t initially expecting “The Deer Named Phil” to start out from the perspective of a rabbit named Thumper, but I have to say, I really love that framing device. You did a great job of painting a portrait of Phil that feels more genuine from Thumper’s point of view than it would’ve just with Phil talking about himself, and it also created some nice tension/drama (the question of what happened to Phil, if Thumper is telling the story in Phil’s words because that’s what he would’ve wanted). I’m also a fan of the way you’ve used Phil’s lesson at the end of Chapter One to lead into Chapter Two, so the stories feel linked and natural despite being somewhat episodic in nature.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of constructive criticism, my only tip is that commas should actually be slipped in before the end-quote quotation marks that don’t end with other punctuation. So instead of “Okay” Phil said, it would be “Okay,” Phil said. And the periods at the end of dialogue sentences should go inside the quotation marks, too, because the English language is apparently a fan of simplicity even in formatting.
This was lots of fun, and I enjoyed reading about Phil's adventures. Nice job!
Okay, I love how your story starts off from the point of view of Thumper. I cant believe he is calling Phil his best friend, what does Bambi think of this?? I really like the dual perspective in your introduction! I think it was a great way to introduce us to Thumper's personality and Phil's personality. I really enjoyed that you ended your first chapter with a lesson. I think this is something that you should bring into your next chapter as well! I feel like the Indian Epics are full of lessons, so bringing that into your story would be a nice addition! Overall, I think you did great adding dialogue into your stories and you really developed the characters! I cant wait to come back and see the news ways Phil and Thumper get into trouble.
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler! This was my second time coming to your storybook and I think that you are definitely taking the story in the right direction. I first read it when you only had the introduction but now chapter 1 and 2 add a lot of content that make the story great. As I mentioned in my previous comment, stories about animals are always so fun to read and I prefer writing about animals over humans anyways. I love the use of Bambi for one of your images, it brings back a visual from most of our childhoods I assume. You do a great job of helping create imagery throughout your writing and I think that is extremely important. The one suggestion that I would make is just double check the grammar before you post. There were a few missing commas throughout. Anyways, great story and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of it!
ReplyDeleteTyler, I have not had the opportunity of reading your story book project yet this semester so I was excited to read something new. Your story idea is so creative and something that I really liked. When you first read the title of your project you think that it is going to be told from the point of view of the deer named Phil. But being shocked when the narrator is Thumper the rabbit is something that I think everyone who has read your story has liked. The element of surprise and shock is something so cool when it is done right in a story and I think you did a great job of shocking us from the start. That is really how you keep readers interested and I can tell you that I was super interested throughout your story. I also have written about animals so I love reading different peoples animal stories and I like to see where they take their animal stories. Bringing the animals to life is something that is so interesting and so innovative.
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler,
ReplyDeleteI am returning to your storybook after about a month and it looks like you really have made some wonderful changes! I read the introduction to remind myself your inspiration for the stories you have created, and then proceeded to read chapter one. Chapter one was a great story with a clear plot line, plenty of details, and a take away message. I really liked the author's note at the end that goes on to explain in full detail the goal you were trying to achieve with the story, and you definitely achieved it. I think this a great story to tell a child in order to express the take away message portrayed in the original story. The only thing that I might add is the picture at the end being left justified at the end of the story. Is there maybe a way to center it? I think it just seemed a little off to me. Other than that, you have done such a great job and I am glad to have had the opportunity to revisit your storybook. Good luck with the rest of the semester!
Hey Tyler! I really enjoyed your third addition to your story. I think it is really creative to have all of your characters be animals with different qualities. The imagination and creativity used in the dialogue and description really helped paint a picture for the setting of the story and how each character behaved. One thing I noticed was your opening lines was somewhat redundant, "After the Hunter had left the woods, years had past and all animals felt safe again. There were no more hunters in the woods" Not really a need for the second part since you mention it in the first sentence. Your dialogue between each character is really good! This always helps to give a better insight on how the character behaves. One suggestion would be to create spacing when the dialogue switches to a new character. This helps it flow and makes it easier for the reader.
ReplyDeleteHi Tyler!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the third story in your series. I was a tiny bit lost, just because I had not read your previous stories. However, you made it easy to catch on and I feel like I got a full understanding of the story. I love that you added a picture of Bambii, I love him and thumper. :) One of my favorite movies as a child. There were a few grammatical/spelling errors that I noticed. Also, I would have liked to see a little different format to your writing, broken up a little more dynamically. Just to make it a tiny bit more clear. But that's just a personal preference, your format was just fine! Other than those minor details, your story was great and I really enjoyed reading it. Great job on your storybook Tyler!
Hi Tyler! I really enjoyed your newest addition to the storybook. The imagination and creativity you put into the characters and dialogue was very evident. The descriptive details of each character and how they behave really helped pull the reader into the story. This also helped connect some of the characters to the reader for a much deeper read. For example, sections like this, "Finding Phil he said that he would teach him the ways of the deer in safety and leadership. Phil, being older and wiser than he was when Jeff tried to teach him anything, thoughtfully listened to his uncle. Jeff said, “Phil, you have shown great leadership but there is much still to learn. Being a leader is about sacrifice, I know you know this Phil, you showed that well. But it is also about sacrificing your comfort of safety to let people know that there is still danger in this world." Really show how the character, Jeff, behaves. Overall I thought your final story turned out great, good job!
ReplyDeleteTyler, your storybook is laid out so well. I loved the images you used and the overall theme you set up for your readers. The style you wrote your intro in was different and exciting to read! I was surprised that your intro continued after Thumper said, “Let me take you back to when Phil and I were kids…” I think that would be a good ending for your intro and the story after could stand as its own story with maybe a little more length added to it?
ReplyDeleteWho is the narrator throughout the chapters? I thought it was going to all be through Phil’s eyes? How cute the animals could communicate through owls like phones! It sucks that Phil had to learn the hard way, but I’m glad in the end it was a trap because that made him take it all more serious.
The more I read about Phil’s uncle Jeff the more I wondered where his father was? Overall, though, your stories were enjoyable to read! Good job!